The Auntie Problem

Anyone who is older than you and not related to you is an Auntie. In my case, I encounter Aunties mostly in the mosque, or when wandering the mall or out in a desi restaurant. Occasionally these Aunties will greet me and ask me how I am doing or start up some kind of conversation. Most often they just stare at me and do not approach me. Sometimes, though, I find myself in the company of Aunties anyway. One common way this happens is that M and I will be invited to a dinner party at someone’s house, and the guest list will include people of all age. If the dinner party ends up segregated by gender, I end up stuck alone in a room full of Aunties.

Relating to Aunties can be difficult for me. We seemingly have nothing in common. They often are unresponsive to questions I ask about hobbies or recently read books. I often have seen the movies they mention. I’ve yet to meet an Auntie who was interested in discussing politics with me (though I know there are some), save for one who wanted to talk about whether Obama is a secret Muslim. I’m not the best conversation starter, and most of the Aunties I’ve encountered don’t seem to care about uncomfortable silences. So how does one relate to an Auntie?

First, Aunties are people too. You have to smile. Say Hello or Salaam or Namaste. Ask how they are. Remember that they might be just as nervous about talking to you as you are about talking to them. Try to remember that not everyone is judging you. (I still struggle with this one.) Also, I sometimes think that elder desis feel like it’s the responsibility of the younger generation to initiate small talk, so they might be waiting for you to start.

I find the easiest way to relate to these Aunties is just to ask more and more questions about THEM. People love to talk about themselves, right? If an Auntie works, you can ask her about her job and how she likes it. If she has kids, you can ask about them and where they go to college. The BEST results I’ve gotten have to do with asking where in Pakistan or India she or her family is from. Having traveled a bit in Pakistan myself, this often leads to a lengthy conversation about how I’d been to that city, too. How did I like it? Did I go to this place? Did I get sick? (Hey, I like to talk about myself too. You: We know, we read your drivel every day.) If you haven’t traveled much in the Auntie’s country of origin, you could ask her about her travels in YOUR country, how she liked them, did she see this place, did she get sick?

Also, remember that these Aunties can be a RESOURCE for you! You finally have a captive desi audience that is not your significant other. Now you can finally ask questions about cultural issues, or double-check your significant other’s version of things. It was an auntie who first corroborated M’s explanation of why he didn’t like to say or hear “Thank you.” It was also an auntie who first told me about Lahore. M had been too busy telling stories about Karachi. 

So, as always, my advice for how to tackle “The Auntie Problem” as someone coined the term in my comments section, is questions questions questions! Make a list of possible questions anytime you’re going to be encountering Aunties and soon you’ll see which line of questions work best for you.

I do have one fail-proof way to suddenly get along with every Auntie you’ll ever meet. This method will ensure that you always get smiled at, always get greeted and offered a seat, always have something to talk about. Using this method you will more easily make friends and find your place in a foreign community. Are you ready? 

Have a kid. 

Well, I guess you should probably have a CUTE kid. A kid that sings old Hindi songs, helps too. Every Auntie in the house will smile at you, and you will feel like you’ve finally found your ticket in. They’re always something to talk about when you’re pandering your own child for social acceptance. “Hey kid! Sing Lata & Mukesh’s Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Main Khayal Aata Hai again!”